A bit of self-compassion on a coughing and voiceless Christmas

Take a good look at this picture!

I was swinging from feeling either too cold to feeling way too hot, from aching to feeling numb, from feeling drained to feeling agitated, and from having absolutely no appetite to trying to calm down an intense hunger.

From influenza, there are just a few steps to no voice

Then once the flu symptoms dissapeared, a severe laryngitis developed instead, shaking me further with a nasty spasmodic cough that kept me wide awake during the night. Hence for more than two weeks, my nights have been mostly sleepless, due to this horrendous cough. And the cherry on the cake, I completely lost my voice. If you want to have a chat with me, for now, I simply cannot do it. I can whisper, however not for too long, as too much whispering worsens my laryngitis and subsequently my cough.

Not complaining

It’s been a tough pre and post Christmas. And my aim here is definitely NOT to complain.

I am writing this here to express that not everyone has had perfect winter holidays, with perfect outfits, perfect decorations, perfect menus, in perfect surroundings, with perfect Christmas pictures, preferably taken in a studio, earlier in the month, with perfect couples, friends and families (do these actually exist?), as we might tend to believe, after a good scrolling on social media.

Around Christmas time, some of us can feel really lousy, tired, down, demotivated, lonely, exhausted, angry, sad or any other difficult emotion. Or all the above, also mixed with joy, excitement, wonderment, relief and so on.

It’s been a challenging pre and post Christmas for me and my family, especially that we all have been sick, up to different degrees and from various causes. I am grateful that despite it, we made it somehow.

I am also aware that for other people, this Christmas might have also been challenging, and for some many others, these winter holidays have been extremely tough, marked with sadness, pain and loss. I am sending them a caring thought.

Not denying

And even though others have struggled more than I, I have not denied my own struggles and emotions, nor have I diminished or numbed them, as I used to do it in the past, in order to « be tough », as a learned way to cope with adversity.

Acknowledging

I have acknowledged my struggles, especially during the white nights when I could see every hour passing by, as I was coughing and coughing, my body trying in vain to clear my throat, whilst I was feeling alone, isolated and overwhelmed.

Bringing kindness and self-compassion

And in order to bring some kindness and compassion to myself, instead of beating myself up or getting lost in negative thoughts that would have triggered futher negative thoughts and emotions, it helped me by remembering some passages from a self-compassion book that I recently read:

« This is a moment of suffering. I’m having a really hard time right now.

Suffering is part of life. Everyone feels this way sometimes.

May I be kind to myself in this moment.

May I give myself the compassion I need. »

– adapted from Self-compassion, Kristin Neff, PHd

It also helped me to ask myself this question:

« What would be the most healthy and most self-compassionate thing for me to do right now? »

And by doing that, the psychological pain, which was caused also by the gap between how I had wanted to feel healthwise and emotionally, and the reality of how I was actual feeling, seemed to decrease.

It was no longer a problem

It was no longer a problem that I was stuck in bed or on a couch, unable to do anything other than lay down, cough, shiver and drink infusions. It was no longer a problem that I was late with lots of professioal and personal things I wanted to do or that I had to cancel several professional and volunteering activities to which I had committed to.

It was no longer a problem that I had not crafted, painted, written and sent my usual Christmas cards, or that I couldn’t get my head around to answer various messages. I had to put work on hold, miss some deadlines and accept that I was sick. As for the mother role, it went to bare minimum, as my husband took over to save the day(s).

And although I would have wanted to sing Christmas carols, both in English and in my mother tongue, Romanian, it was simply impossible. I had no voice. Now, two days after Christmas, I still have no voice.

The best I could

On our imperfect Christmas day, I simply tried to go through the day the best I could, with a foggy mind due to accumulated sleepless nights, with a tired body, shaken by the continous and nasty cough that made me on some occasions to choke and throw up, with an energy level that was only allowing me to sit on the floor next to my child and explore together his train sets.

An imperfect Christmas

It wasn’t a perfect Christmas, but it was loving and kind. I also tried to remind myself what was was good around me.

My husband prepared the traditional English Christmas dinner, whilst I was resting and not doing much. The turkey meat turned out to be the best turkey I ever had, thanks to my husband’s curiosity to try a new marinade with soja sauce, lemon and orange juice, cloves and a blend of crushed garlic and herbs.

My little boy was excited and absorbed by his new favourite toys and my mother had safely arrived to Brussels and was spending Christmas with us.

My dog was pretty relaxed in his bed, snoring most of the time, whilst laying on his back with all his legs spread out.

Cheerful Christmas music was playing in the background, and overall it was a pleasant time.

The coughing, shaking, occasional choking and vomiting due to the the severe cough, the foggy mind, fatigue and inability to talk were still there, but they no longer kept me down.

There was also love, kindness, compassion, warmth, support and so many other good reasons to be greateful for, like for instance, that amazingly tasty soja sauce-lemon and orange juice-cloves, garlic and herbs marinated turkey.

Kind holidays to everyone! And kind voices, especially within!