When I was asked on the last day of April, if my husband would be off on the 1st of May and whether we had any nice plans, I did not know what to reply. In most countries, the 1st of May celebrates Labour Day or the International Workers Day, and usually the day is free and paid.
However, my mind was not set on holiday plans, just on an ongoing flow of activities, related to either professional work or family and motherhood, which include another level of work. Mother related work, especially when children are small, is a 24 hours job, and even when the little one finally sleeps better during the night, you are still on call during the night, every night. Teething, separation anxiety, growth spurts, night terrors, consolidation of new motor skills, memory and new experiences that happens during the night and that can disturb sleep, indigestion, never-ending coughs, colds and and various illnesses, milk feedings for newborns and babies, short sleep cycles or simply just the need to be held, reassured or to feel safe, there is always a reason for which a parent, and especially a mother needs to be awake at some point during the night. So no wonder that my sleep deprived mind wasn’t set on holidays, just on surviving and trying to approach the next item on my ‘to do’ list.
My husband was off, so I took a day off too. I must admit that my mind slipped several times into work mode, and on a few occasions, I was tempted to switch on my laptop and « go on with some work » whilst my husband was out playing with our little one. But I didn’t.
Working from home can create difficulties in setting boundaries between your personal life and work life
When you work mostly from home, it can be often challenging to set boundaries between work and personal life, especially if you don’t have a dedicated space, which is ideally a dedicated room in your home for professional activities. If you work from your living room like I do, a small item like a post-it note in sight or a notebook on which you scribbled some thoughts about work, can put your mind into work mode in a split second, getting you prompted to start working, either in your mind, either at your desk.
And this is exactly what my mind did, prompting me to go into work mode, disconnecting me from where I wanted to be present. I noticed these thoughts, and I said to myself:
« No, these are just thoughts. I don’t have to work today. I decided to take the day off. Yes, there are quotes to be worked on, e-mails to be replied, meetings to be set, workshops to be organised, messages to be replied, but today I don’t have to work. »
And I didn’t.
Instead, I took it easy. My husband took over some of the parenthood duties, so I could rest and go in a slow mode. The month of April was tough for me health wise, as I cought pretty much every illness my toddler brought home from the daycare, plus developped some additional ones. I am still not fully recovered, but luckily I am getting better. My energy is still low and I am slow in everything I do. And the challenge, in this kind of situation, is to allow myself to be slow and less productive than how I would want myself to be, accepting that this is what I can do for now, with the inner ressources that I have available.
I took a day off from motherhood
I took a day off from motherhood. Well, not exactly. It was more like a few hours break from motherhood duties. Thanks to my husband’s concrete help, I was able to take it easy, and focus on something else, giving both my mind and body a break. It wasn’t an entire full day off from motherhood tasks and duties, of course. I am not even sure if this is actually possible, unless I leave on a trip all by myself, and even then I would be thinking about my son and checking on him. On the other hand, those hours in which I didn’t have to constantly look after my very energetic, exploratory and full of intense emotions two year old felt like a full day off.
Therefore, I had a few hours off from motherhood. My husband took our son out to play, he prepared his breakfast and cooked his lunch, he walked him in the stroller for almost two hours in an attempt to get him nap, after I had spent an unsuccesful hour at home trying to reach the same nap objective. I still had to intervene and calm down some big emotions and help my little one co-regulate. It’s part of mummy’s super powers, it seems. Later in the evening, after some play with mummy on the balcony, it was again daddy time: dinner, bath, bed ritual. Then my presence was required again, as my little boy wanted his mummy to reassure him before falling asleep, and that meant having me read to him a few stories and lie next to him, until he fell asleep.
I needed to rest but also to move softly
I had a day off from work and a few hours off from motherhood, and it felt like a relief. My tired mind was just allowed to dissipate and be dissipated. My body was allowed to move slowly. And even if I really wanted to join my husband and my son out to play with the ball, or go with them for a walk, I simply did not have enough energy to do it. I would have been content to just sit on the couch, eat home-made popcorn and watch TV, but at the same time, I knew that my body needed to move, even for a little bit.
Sometimes, when we are tired, we tend to just want to sit. TV series binging whilst sitting on a comfy couch with legs up, resting on a footrest, may seem like a great idea and feel very recomforting. And sometimes, sitting on a couch and getting lost in fantesy is what one may need. On the other hand, too much physical inactivity can lead to even more lethargy and overall tiredness, that can trigger low mood, feelings of isolation and disatissfaction, and ultimately depression.
The couch was inviting, but I felt that my body needed some soft move. I remembered about the plants that I had bought a few days before, which were waiting on the balcony to be potted. There were also plant pots that needed emptying, old dried plants that needed removing from the soil. I remembered how annoyed I was getting every time I was looking through the window and was seeing a desolated balcony, tired from winter and in a serious need of decluttering. So, I started gardening. I was slow, very slow. My mind was dissipated. I took many breaks. And I liked it. I could smell the soil, I could touch it. I felt satisfaction when I was removing the remainings of old dead plants, preparing the soil and ultimately potting new plants. Little by little, the pots were starting to get some colour and shape. There was a lot to be done. And there still is, as I haven’t yet finished potting, decluttering and preparing the balcony for the summer.
In the past, I would have finished everything that needed to be done, gardening and balcony decluttering wise, by the end of the day. In the worst case, it would have taken me probably two days, especially if there were also bulbs that needed to be removed and stored.
No pressure to achieve anything … just enjoying the process
When the evening came, this time I was far from being done. But, already, some plants were merrily colouring the balcony. I was still feeling tired, and to some extent, revigorated. And I was feeling also satisfaction. Provided my level of energy, I was pleased with the end-result, even if it was not finished. I was also pleased with the fact that I had allowed myself to have a break and enjoyed an activity that I had missed, despite the several interruptions that are part of the process, when being a mum. And after his dinner, my little one explored some water pouring activities, getting all wet, from toes to head, whilst joining me, in his way, in the balcony preparation for the summer.
Instead of pushing yourself, perhaps be a better friend to yourself
When I decided to call the day, I tapped myself on the shoulder for having listened to myself and my needs, for taking it easy, without presurring myself to achive a certain result, especially when my resources were scarce.
Too many times, we are pushing ourselves too far, in a quest for self or society imposed results, in the detriment of our health and wellbeing. It may seem like the impatient carriage driver, that wipps his horses, over and over, in order to get to the destination, as fast as possible. However his horses get no rest, water or food. In the end they succomb.
Too often, we may prioritise results and performance, in the detriment of our own wellfare, even if impacted in the long term. Doing this once in a while and having the chance to recover afterwards, I suppose we can get away with it. But pushing ourselves too hard, denying our basic needs such as rest, sleep, food, human contact, recurrently, during an extensive period of time, or worse, doing it as a way of life, this puts us in great danger. We risk the loss, not only of our wellbeing, but also our physical and mental health.
So on the Labour Day, I took a day off, both from professional work and partly from motherhood work. I asked for help and I received it. I allowed myself to be slow and unproductive. I allowed myseld to be imperfect. And I played with plants and pots, water and soil.
Supporting you to support yourself
Being a mother is one of the most challenging roles in the world, and especially for new mothers, it is so easy to lose oneself. The huge change of life, the heavy responsibility of your newborn with tasks that seem to never end, and that may absorb you day and night, the development and integration of the mother identity that may be conflicting with your other identities that seem lost, the lack of consistent hands-on support, the lack of sleep, and the lack of actual “me-time”, alone, without having to be “on-call” are just a few of the so many challenges that a mother can face.
And for some, even if not being actual mothers, motherhood like traits such as over-giving, prioritising others, feeling hyper-responsible and difficulty to let go, in the long term can unbalance well-being, life satisfaction and even health. In one-on-one coaching, there is time and space to be listened to, care and empathy, emotional support, non-judgement and the willingness to support you in navigating change in a way that best suits you, your values and your needs. Take a look at what the coaching framework entails and let me know if you want to try a free session, online or offline, and best outdoor (even while pushing a stroller in the park, if this is the only way that works for you).
You may also like:
- The happy napkin, sleep challenges and an exhausted mother / professional
- Motherhood tales: How a random act of kindness kept me sane
- We all need food and social connection. And laughter, claps and silly songs
- Having trouble falling or staying asleep? Be careful with that last late cup of coffee
- Closing a coaching journey: satisfaction, pride, but also sadness
Gabriela D. Spencer 